My boys fought sleep from almost the moment they were born. Jacob didn't even make it out of the hospital without displaying to the world is undying hatred of all things sleep. When my boys got sleepy, they got fussy or cried. There was none of this --I'm tired so I'll just snuggly into mom (or, gasp, by myself in my own bed) and shut my eyes and snooze. No way, Jose!
As a first time mom this was really difficult for me. I'd dreamed about holding my baby in my arms and having him peacefully fall asleep. I'd seen it happen with my friend's and family's babies (even while I was holding them), and more importantly, I'd seen it happen on TV. When this didn't happen, I assumed
that I must be doing EVERYTHING WRONG. I mean, everyone else's baby out in public was falling asleep so perfectly and calmly and mine continued to act like I was going to poison him in his sleep. OK, so not everyone else's baby was acting like a little sleeping robot, but with mommy eyes, it's easy to see that and feel that.
As time went by and some of my mommy anxiety and guilt (am I the only one that always feels like I must be screwing up my kids in one way or another) diminished, I began to see that my child's reaction to sleep probably wasn't a reflection of me as a parent. It was a reflection of them as an individual.
Some babies simply have a harder time than others when it comes to changing their states of alertness (quite alert state, active alert state, crying state, drowsy state, light and deep sleep state). And some babies have a hard time calming and soothing themselves. So while one baby will get calm and fall asleep when drowsy, another baby will have hard time transiting to a drowsy or sleep state and get more worked up and agitated. Some experts even believe that some babies use crying to let off steam/to relax when trying to fall asleep.
Another common reason that babies will fight sleep is that they don't want to miss out on anything. If you are awake, they want to be awake too. And if you are asleep, they probably want to be awake anyway! Babies love to learn and explore their world, and something that takes awake from that (like drowsiness or sleep) can make them really mad and annoyed!! Not every baby is like this (my Stella has rarely fought sleep), but many will be like this at one point or another.
The good news about all this sleep resisting is that babies usually start to fall asleep more easily as they get older--they get better at going from one state into another and they get much better at calming themselves. In my experience, children sometimes have phases here and there where they get upset about having to miss out on things while asleep, but if you are consistent in your routine and sleep expectations, they improve overall as they get older.
The other really important things to keep in mind is that there are things you can do to make it easier or harder for a child to get drowsy and fall asleep. I'm sure you've heard of some of these before since I have a habit of mentioning the really important sleep stuff over and over again!
- Don't keep your baby up too long! Over tiredness is a huge sleep killer! Watch that awake time and watch for those sleep cues.
- Prevent overstimulating, especially right before sleep times. Save the rough housing for earlier on.
- Have a soothing pre-sleep routine. Anything you can do to make sleep seem more inviting is a must! A lovey or pacifier can do wonders. Some babies will dive into their beds for one!
- Use white noise and swaddling (before your baby gets overtired). Add in the rest of the 5 S's when needed.
- Have a great place for baby to sleep (i.e. quiet and dark). Sure, your newborn might sleep well anywhere right now, but all bets are off as your child gets older.
- Have a good daily sleep routine and be consistent! If your child knows they can get out of sleep and play with you/watch tv/play with toys etc instead, they will try to get away with that! Would't you?
Thank you for reminding me it's not my fault that my baby doesn't want to be sleeping when I feel like she should! It's so easy to feel guilty about so many things as a mom, even if they're out of our control. I am working on getting a regular nap routine for my 6 week old and I am struggling with the pacifier. My son took one when he was this age but I can't rememebr exactly how we used it. She loves it and it does help her calm down I think before sleep. But I'm so nervous that its waking her up when it falls out during her naps. She is a short napper as it is and I don't want this to make it worse. Any suggestions?
ReplyDeleteYes, it is easy to feel guilty when you are a mom! As for the pacifier, at this age, if it is what helps calm your son you sleep and he struggles otherwise, I would use it. If it falls out constantly and he doesn't sleep at all, I would ditch it. If it falls out sometimes now I would keep using it. If it becomes a bit issues in the future, you can ditch it then and at least you had it at this time when he is young and lacks a lot of calming ability and can't handle overtiredness from missed naps and much crying.
Deleterachel
Hi Rachel
ReplyDeleteI have a 7 week old and he's gone from being a champion napper with 3x2 hour naps and then a 1 hour short nap in the evening to fighting sleep and taking only 30 minute naps and being very attached to his paci pretty much overnight and I'm not sure what's changed or if this is 'normal' for his developmental stage. When can I reasonably expect that he will learn to self soothe? It's hard to see him getting overtired but not able to sleep!
Zahra,
DeleteHe is at peak fussiness period. That could be it. He is also leaving the period of time when many babies are super tired and will sleep anywhere--this causes many to start sleeping badly and having difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep. I would wait it out a bit and see what happens. Things may improve soon, or you may need to do some sleep training in the future to help sleep improve. For now, work hard to have the wake time length not be too long to prevent over tiredness.
best,
rachel
Hi there, since about 2 weeks old my baby has only napped in the carrier which is horrible (night sleep is fine in the crib mysteriously). She's 7 wks now and starting to nap in her bed. I'm totally unable to figure out the right WT and am hoping you can help. When she wakes (or I wake her) at the 3 hr mark to eat, I feed her (she's very fast--5 min total), and watch for cues, they come very early--like 17 minutes or something till a yawn happens. I had been doubting her WTs could possibly be that short so I keep her up longer. Then she stays awake forever and I can barely get her to nap in her bed at all--waking every 5 minutes crying, etc. She will cry unless I put her in the carrier. If I do that at any point she falls asleep quickly. So yesterday I went by the yawn and put her down as quick as I could (got to yawn #2 or 3 before I could get her in bed). It worked pretty well but then what I feared happened--she was up by 4am wiggling in her crib for a couple hours. So it seems I can't let her sleep that much during the day but if I don't, she can't settle without being in the carrier. And when I say can't settle I mean I do the 4Ss, she's in a dark room, I use a pacifier (out of desperation), I rock her in the rock n play for a million years, etc. but she still cries after 5 mins or at best falls asleep for a while and then cries. She started reflux medicine a few days ago just as a trial to see if that helps. So arg do you have any suggestions for how to get a long enough WT where she doesn't wake at night but a short enough one that she isn't overstimulated/overtired? Thanks a million.
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DeleteAriana, did you ever find a solution? I'm going through the same thing with my son and can't figure it out
DeleteAriana, did you ever find a solution? I'm going through the same thing with my son and can't figure it out
DeleteHi Rachel! I know you heard it ALL OF THE TIME but your blog has helped me keep my sanity!! When my son was born I would read your newborn post every single night as I nursed to try to figure this whole motherhood thing out :) I wish I would have discovered your blog while I was pregnant!
ReplyDeleteMy question is how does going out and about fit into your sleep philosophy? My son just transitioned from his rock and play to his crib and we are starting to work on him putting himself to sleep (using pupd method). He's been sleeping through the night since 9 weeks but struggles for naps. Since starting to sleep train him I feel like I'm stuck at home all of the time! He's a sleepy guy so his awake time is only about 50 minutes (including feeding) before he shows his sleepy signs and starts getting fussy so getting out isn't really any option only during awake time. How can I be consistent and not throw him off without being a prisoner in my own house?! Thanks!!
Christie Ward,
DeleteI would wait until sleep is good for a couple weeks before heading out to either miss a nap or sleeping on the go. Most kids do fine with this every so often (especially as they get older). It's ideal to be about to work around naps and bedtime, but this isn't always possible. The more kids you get the harder this is. Overall, you will simply be at home a lot more. It will get easier to get used to :) As baby lets older, it gets easier to go out when there are less naps, but until then, you simply have to spend a little more time at home than you'd like while going out at times, but possibly messing a bit with sleep. I often refer to the period with a young baby as baby prison--because I can't go out, leave baby (nursing) or really do much of anything at all! I say that jokingly, but it's kind of true :)
best,
rachel
Hi Rachel, your site is really helpful. I currently have a newborn baby girl 2 weeks old who refuses to sleep anywhere other than in my arms or on me. She is breastfeed and all is well. The only way she nods off is by nursing but as soon as my wife or i put her in a moses basket or cot withing 5/10mins shes awake.we have tried swaddling which she hates, swaddle pod, raising the mattress , warming the mattress, using one of my T-shirt in with her,white noise,ewan the dream sheep, dummy/pacifer, but with no joy its really hard work to the point we give up and to get some sleep i let her sleep in my arms. She hates the swaddle pod im not sure whether to persist or not but she screams blue murder until i release her out again.naps and bedtime included shes very difficult to settle unless being nursed. She even struggles to nod if in the car/pram! We have a bedtime routine of bath and massage but this doesnt make her sleepy only nursing does. Tried letting her cry a bit too rather than rushing to pick her up but she just goes crying and screaming more. Any help at all would be much appreciated. We can handle everything else we just want her to sleep somewhere on her own so we can do some chores/sleep too.
ReplyDeleteThanks,
Keir
Keir,
DeleteI would take a look at the newborn survival and newborn sleep post. It goes over some of the issues you mentioned. At this point, I would try hard to help her not be overtired and see if that makes a difference. It is good to still strive to see if she can sleep on her own, but I have a feeling from reading this that that will not happen soon (although some babies will change quiet a bit by the week), which isn't too uncommon. Often the hardest part of having a baby is the sleep--lack of it for mom/dad and the difficulty of having baby sleep on her own. You may need to hold her for sleep until she is a bit older and you can do sleep training. I would consider getting a baby carrier to hold her during the day. On the newborn sleep post there are some sleep training methods for this age range that may be helpful though--but they are not helpful for all babies this age.
My little one is a sleep fighter for sure! Will fight sleep even if I try to put him down when he is first showing cues and then when he does sleep it's only for 30 minutes. I am losing my mind and patience thinking I am doing something wrong. He is almost 2 months so I'm hoping this is a phase he is going through. He sleeps great at night 8-10 hours but will still fight sleep and the days are a nightmare and he gets overtired which makes me feel like it's my fault even though I'm trying and he just won't sleep. Help!!!
ReplyDeleteHi there! Your blog has been super helpful! Thank you so much for all of the great articles.
ReplyDeleteI have a 5month old who is definitely not a natural sleeper. She has never just fallen asleep whether it be stroller, car seat (rarely and only when on highways will she sleep), carrier, etc. I've tried everything and am at my wits end! I've tried looking for early cues, putting her in her crib to sleep. She just either plays or constantly lies on her tummy with her head up. That is my second issue. She is a tummy sleeper. Biggest mistake I ever made was listening to my inlaws and putting her on her tummy to sleep as a newborn. She had great head control from a few weeks old so I've never worried about her not being able to breathe comfortably but now that she is more mobile, every time she turns on to her tummy (or I put her on her tummy) she just keeps her head up ready for tummy time. What do I do?!? I've tried to get her to sleep on her back but she refuses and now that she rolls she just flips herself on her stomach. In addition, she never ever really seems "tired" even though I know she is. People always comment on how "bright eyed" she is even when it's been 3-4 hours without a nap. By the end of the day she's so tired is tough to keep her awake so that we can do bath at 6. And then she doesn't eat enough for bedtime and ends up waking a bunch of times at night to feed. Most nights she'll wake at 12 and 4 to eat but if she naps she'll go the entire night and up at 5. Since she's not consistent with her wake time I also can't seem to schedule set times for sleep. Any suggestions as to how to improve her nap times? Also her naps are generally 30-45 mins. On magically days she'll sleep for 1-1.25hrs but those are rare.
My baby is 8.5 weeks old and had problems with gas so he couldn't sleep well on his own. Gas would prevent him from going to sleep or staying asleep. It's getting slightly better now so I want to start doing some sleep training. Few questions though:
ReplyDelete1) he's used to using a pacifier and being held to go to sleep. He's also always swaddled or he immediately jolts awake. He cannot seem to calm down at all without swaddle + paci. Is it ok to let him keep the paci until he's a little older? Unless he has gas, he spits it out after 10-20 minutes.
2) he eats at 6pm, massage, bath and then goes to bed. He gets fed again between 8-9:30. He doesn't wake until 12:30 to eat and then again at 3 to eat and poop. Lately he doesn't go back to sleep after that feeding. He won't let me set him down-has to be held to sleep. He then gets horrible gas that keeps him on the edge of waking from 4-6 or 7am! He used to not get gas until 6pm and it's gotten earlier and earlier and LONGER. Two weeks ago he'd get gas promptly st 5:55am and want to eat by 6:15 and ge poops while he eats. First, is pooping while eating a bad habit? Second, anything I can do about the 2-3 hour gas fest in the early AM??
3) how do you ever teach a baby to sleep on their own?? Mine is hyper sensitive to sounds snd lights so we turn everything off and usually hold and shush him. That puts him out. But if I set him down while drowsy, he looses it. Keeps shaking his head and throwing paci out, but without paci, he screams and gets upset; he needs to suck on something. Hadn't quite mastered the art of sucking his thumb. He'll get his hand to his mouth but then starts flailing.
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ReplyDeleteHi Rachel, my 8 weeks old daughter fights sleep day and night. We start the sleeping/napping routine when she shows tired, most of the time is frequent yawning. But doesn't matter what we do, hold her walking, rocking, nothing seems to calm/soothe her. She would fuss and cry until she stops herself. She won't take pacifier, swaddling. Then once she is calm and dosing off, I put her down at once in her crib. But every time she will only sleep for 5-10 mins then waking up fussy and the same soothing process starts over again for many times until next feeding. At night, bedtime routine starts around 6.30, bath, feeding in her room, keep the light dim and the fight sleep process starts again. Once she stays asleep, she will be able to sleep for 5-6 hours. Most of middle of the night feeding she would fall back to sleep during feeding/burping, last night she woke up after putting back down in bed but went back to sleep by herself.
ReplyDeleteNow I am losing my sanity because of her constant fighting and crying every time she is out down to bed and will not be able to stay asleep for naps. Baby like her, doesn't seem like no-cry method works as she is crystals big even after we've tried to calm her down. Is she too young for Ferber method? She has already double her birth weight and now is at 12 lbs. I don't know what we should do.
Nirupa,
ReplyDeleteCurious as to how you got through this? I am in EXACTLY the same boat!
Hi Adi! I recently read a book called "healthy sleep habits, happy child" it was a godsend! I basically have been using the time intervals mentioned (2 hrs after waking 1st nap, 3 hrs after waking 2nd nap and then bath and bedtime 4 hrs after that) once I started her on these time intervals of wakefulness she soon started napping 45-1:20 each nap and nights magically followed! She now naps like clockwork for a total of 2 hrs a day and 11.5-12 hrs at night! Sometimes she wakes for a feed, but I feed her and she goes right back down. I highly suggest reading this book. I never sleep trained, I still feed her before her nap a bottle and rock her to get her drowsy (about 5 min of rocking) and she's learned to put herself to sleep in her crib. That took a little longer to establish. I know they say not to feed before sleep but I found she would wake due to hunger so I feed before and it works for us! Do what works for you and don't worry! They soon learn once you get them on a schedule and get drowsy at similar times everyday. Also, sometimes she needs a cat nap from 30min in afternoon but only if she wakes at 6am.
ReplyDeleteIf she wakes at 7am then she gets 2 naps! I hope this helps you!!!
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