When Sleep Deprivation Takes Its Toll (Ask Rachel)

Annie writes....

I have a terrible sleeper who wakes up 3-4 times a night. The problem is that she needs a pacifier to fall asleep and will not sleep in her crib. She only sleeps in the big bed with me and wakes up crying multiple times. I have to give her the pacifier and put her down to bed each time. I tried sleep training a few times when she was younger, but she has so much stamina! 

She is 15 months old already and I'm tired and sleep deprived. This is affecting my relationship with my husband and my mom and I just don't know what to do anymore. I love my daughter more than anything and I don't want her to get sick from not getting enough sleep or feel neglected sitting alone crying in the room by herself. I am very conflicted and upset. Motherhood shouldn’t be this hard!

Annie, if I could, I'd switch places with you for a few nights so you could get some much needed shut-eye. Going 15 months on fragmented sleep is tough, even for those that can get by with very little sleep. But if you are like most people who only function about 20% on crummy sleep (and of course, the kind and patient side of us is in the missing 80%!), you are probably feeling like you've just ran 5 marathons while being starved half to death. In other words, you likely feel like total crap. No wonder you feel it is affecting your relationships with others. It's hard to be nice and have patience and enjoy other people's company when you feel run down. In fact, I pretty much go from really nice to half-devil, despite my best efforts, on little sleep--one of the reasons I personally take sleep and children seriously! Most of us simply don't function well on little sleep, and that means we can't be the kind of parent (and spouse and sister etc) we want to be. It has nothing to do with toughing it up. There's a reasons there are a bunch of not so nice things correlated to a lack of sleep (for baby and us)--it is a necessity of life. Completely ignoring this need we have doesn't make us a better parent, it just makes us tired--and cranky!

The crazy thing about motherhood is that no matter how much you try to prepare yourself for it, you can't quite comprehend how hard it's going to be. Not only is there the physical effort involved while taking care of someone 24 hours a day who can hardly do anything on their own, but the emotional effort is immense. If you're anything like me, you pretty much worry every living second of your life about your child and their future. Not exactly relaxing, eh? 

You email reminds me a lot of myself when my oldest, Joshua, was a young baby. I was so conflicted over what to do. I had different parts of me pulling me in every which direction (as well as guilt from various parenting philosophies pulling me every which way). I wanted to be the best parent possible and let my son know that he was always loved. But I also wanted the both of us to get some sleep so I could function like a human being again. 

Figuring out what is best for you, your baby and your family is a tough thing to do. I personally think it involves a balance between everyone's needs. If you forget one person, then the scale tips and everyone suffers. When you find a good balance, everyone does better overall. Obviously it's normal to have a lot of needs not being fully met right after a baby is born, but the point is to try to keep everyone and their needs in mind. 

Right now your lack of sleep is getting pretty far out of balance. It is affecting you, your relationships, and likely how well you are able to interact with your daughter. That's often what happens with a new baby, and even as they get older. You want the best for your child and it's easy to neglect everything else in the process. 

It's also easy to feel confused and guilt infused from the various perspectives (and mommy-wars) out there, making knowing what to do even more difficult to decide. You may even be getting the message that if you just listen to your intuition and give your baby the snuggling she needs she'll sleep well. Or you may be getting the message that you simply have to deal with your situation and 'stop complaining' . I think you already know what I think about dealing with the situation and  'toughing it out'. For a parent whose struggling, it kind of feels like suggesting they take the long cut when there is a short cut to bliss sitting just two steps in front of you. As for intution (or whatevever you want to call it), I think that takes a part in what you decide to do but isn't the only deciding factor. I don't see why we should avoid getting knowledge from various sources--'knowledge is power', and all. And certainly if you are someone who prayers, that is a great thing to do too.

The nice thing about choosing an approach to teach your child to sleep is that there are lots of methods available out there that you can fit to your family's needs and situation. You can choose one that involves crying alone, crying in your presence, or no crying. You can choose a method that's super quick, or one that makes slower changes. As long as you are consistent, you'll likely get some good results--and your old self back in the process. Yes, you are considering your own needs in this process (as well as your child's) and that's ok. You are important too, and thinking about yourself DOES NOT make you a bad person or a selfish mother. In fact, I'd say just the opposite. And guess what, your daughter really will love you just as much once you are done with sleep training. Really, she will. All the love you offer her during her wakings moments will make up for a handful of tough nights and days of sleep training. Kids are resilient like that. 

Does anyone else have any helpful advice or experiences to share with Annie? What helped you decide on a sleep training method? How have things improved since you sleep trained? What would you have done differently in your situation? (I know sleep training is a touchy subject, so nice comments only please!)